Pj's Birth Story

   Two and a half years ago we were just meeting Pj for the first time. She made us wait quite a while before making her grand (and dramatic) entrance into this world. In fact she was 13 days overdue! Let me tell you, those were the longest 13 days of our lives!

Pj's newborn photo shoot with Rita Zietsma at only 6 days old!

   Pj was born on September 29th, 2012. She entered the world at a whooping 9lbs 4ounces and 21inches long. She didn't want to leave the comfort of her Momma and she let her disapproval be known - it was a process getting her to join us on the "outside". I went into "easy" labor on Thursday morning. The contractions were not overly painful and I was able to function through them. I had a stress test booked for that morning and my midwife was quite excited to see that I was contracting every 6 minutes. She was fairly certain I would be meeting my baby that afternoon or evening. In order to keep the contractions progressing Mark and I went and bought some groceries and then went home and made sure everything was neat and tidy and ready to meet our little baby. My contractions continued all afternoon but did not get much "harder" so we just stayed put. Thursday evening I had an appointment at the hospital for a check-up and possible induction. We had to be at the hospital at 8pm. I was hooked up to a bunch of machines and then we waited. I wasn't seen by an OB/GYN until about 10pm. She checked me and said that I was about 3 cm dilated and that my contractions were about every 5 minutes and were nice and strong. She decided to not give me anything to induce labor (because I already was in labor) and told me that I would be having my baby in the morning. She sent us home to get our bags and to rest for a bit until "hard" labor started. We were so excited! We went home, I bounced on the exercise ball, and we put the last items in our go-bags. Mark decided to get some sleep and went to bed around midnight. I was unable to sleep because the contractions were getting stronger. I did finally sleep for about 2 hours in total. When I woke up I had a nice long shower which (to my dismay) seemed to slow my contractions down. The midwife had told us that if we didn't end up in the hospital over night we were to be back in the triage at 7am.

Pj's first picture.

   When we got there I was starting to feel a little bit nervous that something was wrong. I had been in labour for 24 hours (albeit the entire 24 hours were not hard labor, but still!). I felt like I was no closer to meeting my baby. The midwife checked me and I was now 3.5 cm dilated and my contractions were still 5 minutes apart. At this time they decided to give me the cervical gel in order to help my labor along. I was also a little annoyed because all the other woman that were in triage at this point were the same woman I was in with the night before. They had all been given drugs or gel to induce labor the night before and now were either about to deliver naturally or via a c-section. I felt a little ripped off that I had been denied an induction and now all the other moms were going to meet their babies while I had to keep waiting. After administering the induction gel I was hooked up to more machines and observed until 11am. At this point was I was only 4 cms dilated. My midwife decided to send me home for a couple of hours and told me to come back in the afternoon. Mark and I headed back to our apartment, only to find a group of men carpeting the hallway to our bathroom. My contractions were very regular (they stopped being consistent and just started being every minute or two minutes or three minutes with varying lengths and varying rest periods) and getting too painful to be able to walk or talk. I bee-lined it for our bedroom and prayed that the men hadn't noticed my discomfort. I walked around my bedroom for a bit and tried to sleep (yah right) because my night of only 2 hours of sleep was catching up to me. At about 2pm we headed back to the hospital praying that things had progressed to the point of being admitted. Once again I was greeted by my midwife at the triage and I was hooked up to the stress machines. I was checked and I was now 4.5cm dilated and my contractions (as I already knew) were verified as being very irregular. My midwife decide to admit me because I wasn't progressing very well and she wanted to "keep an eye on me". Once I was admitted she sent me up and down the hospital hallways hoping to get things progressing and hoping to help my baby drop. We walked for about 2 hours and then I was checked again. This time I was still only 4.5cm dilated! I was getting very discouraged at this point and started thinking that I was going to be pregnant for the rest of my life.

Our first family picture!

   At about 5pm my midwife broke my water - in the hopes that this would move things along. My baby was still sitting quite high up and hadn't dropped yet which is why my midwife thought I wasn't progressing. She hoped that by breaking my water the baby would have to drop. Well, Pj didn't drop. She just stayed nice and snug! I once again was sent on a walk through the hospital. On this particular day the Labor and Delivery ward was quite busy, and it wasn't the nicest place to be walking "in public" while having painful contractions. I got to hear advice from Mom's that have already had their babies: "You are looking so good! Mine were too painful to walk but I hear walking helps", "Drink water that totally helps!" "Mine were bad unless I twirled and hopped three times" (k, that's an exaggeration but seriously - once your on the other side: don't give advice!). Some Moms didn't even try to hide their glee at being done the labor part: "Oh its so worth it!", "Look at my adorable baby! You'll have yours soon!". "So glad I'm done that part". Once again - not helpful! Lol. But I digress.

All of her scrumptious rolls!

   By 7pm I was exhausted. I had been up for 36 hours with only 2 hours of sleep. I made it into my hospital room and told the midwife that I didn't want to face the hallways anymore. She checked me and told me that I was a whooping 5cm dilated. She suggested a warm shower which actually sounded good. So I spent the next two hours in the shower. I was quite thirsty (having not eaten or had anything to drink since the morning) and I asked for something to drink. I was given a tiny little paper cup of water and told not to drink too much of it. I later found out that this was because my midwife was concerned that I would need a c-section and didn't want anything in my system for the surgery. I just thought it was another injustice that was a part of this prolonged torture called labor.

First night at home in her little bassinet. Baby burritos are the cutest!

   At 11pm I was done. I was exhausted and feeling very discouraged. My contractions were very irregular. They were strong but not on a very steady rhythm. Some of my contractions were lasting close to 3 minutes in length! Others were only 20 seconds. The breaks in between could be a merciful 5 minutes or an exhausting 10 seconds. I was finding it very difficult to get into any type of routine because I didn't know what to expect. I was in pain and I was tired so I begged Mark to ask the midwife if there was anything we could do to change the current situation. She checked me and I believe I was only 6.5cm (biggest jump up to that point!). She suggested we put me on an oxytocin drip (true induction) and I requested an epidural. I had hoped for a natural birth (my mom and sister had both been able!) but I was just way too tired to care anymore. By midnight I was all hooked up to the bed with the oxytocin and the anesthesiologist was there to give me my epidural. Mark had not really eaten or drank during the whole day and I guess he was a little dehydrated and light headed because when I got the needle for the epidural, he passed out. All of a sudden all of the nice nurses that were there helping me went swarming to Mark to make sure that he was okay. I have to admit, at that moment, I was a little bit "peeved" (wink, wink). Here I was, entering my third full day of labor, and Mark was getting all the attention for a little fainting episode! Go figure! Lol. Truthfully, I was concerned because I knew that I wouldn't be able to get through the next day without him by my side! So, from then on, I insisted he eat an granola bar every hour (I do what I can!).

   After the epidural was administered Mark went to lay down and catch some sleep. I wish I could say that the epidural worked. It did a bit, but it did not remove the full amount of pain. I still had to focus through each contraction and I was unable to fall asleep. Mark slept for about four or five hours that night - which was a God-send! I was able to doze for about half an hour. By 2am the contractions were quite painful and regular again but I didn't want to wake Mark up so I started humming (moaning) nursery rhymes to get through the pain. I am sure the other people in the ward thought I was going crazy. I didn't care though because I wanted my baby to have something nice to hear to help encourage her to come and join us in the real world. Throughout the night I was checked a couple of times with no real progression so they kept increasing my oxytocin drip. By 7am I was only 7 cm dilated. By this time I was fully in the care of an OB/GYN and my midwife had gone home. At 8am the OB/GYN came and checked me and made me lie on my left side. She decided to give us 1 more hour to have the baby or else I was going to have to go in for a c-section since my water had been broken for over 15 hours and my baby (although still fine) was starting to show signs of distress. Mark was up by this time and stayed by my head praying with me. I was so tired and starting to get very scared. It was Saturday morning and I had been going through this for over 48 hours. I do remember during that hour of prayer that the sun peeked through the clouds and some beautiful pink morning sunshine filled our room. I know that it was from God because I remember thinking how beautiful it was and just knowing that I was going to be meeting my baby at some point that day. At 9am the doctor came in and MIRACULOUSLY I was 10 cm dilated and ready to push! The surgical team was literally at the door ready to take me for a c-section when she checked and said, "No! This baby has finally dropped! We are ready to push!". I have to admit, I was a little shocked and very scared. I actually begged the OB/GYN to reconsider and let me have a c-section! I didn't know if I had enough energy to actually push a baby out after all those hours!

Love little baby feet.

   53 of the hardest minutes of my life later, Pj finally made her grand entrance. During the "pushing process" her heart rate and oxygen rates plummeted. The nurses and the doctor went in to high gear pushing me to get her out. The doctor tried to use the vacuum but that didn't do anything (other than give her a nice cone head!). By the time she was born our room was filled with our OB/GYN, a pediatrician (for Pj as soon as she was born), my midwife (there to help encourage me), three nurses, and a nursing student. It was crowded and very overwhelming. I didn't feel like I was in control of the situation at all and I just remember thinking that everyone was mad at me. Pj had some pretty scary shoulder dystocia and was stuck for quite a while, she also had her umbilical cord wrapped around her neck a couple of times and around her body twice. I am such a "people-pleaser" that I continued to push even after she was born (I didn't realize). The doctor was calling my name telling me to open my eyes and when I finally did I saw my beautiful Pj for the first time. I clearly remember that first look. She was huge! And amazing! My body went through the ringer and I had third degree tears (the OB/GYN actually said (excitedly) that she had never had to stitch this way before!) and I hemorrhaged (but it was controlled quickly).

Love her chubby cheeked goodness!

   After Pj was born I was not allowed to hold her because she had to be checked by the pediatrician (because of her levels, etc.) They had thought I knew I was having a boy (I was pretty convinced she was going to be a boy) so they didn't even check her at first but just wrapped her up and told me that she was a boy. Mark and I were ecstatic! A couple of minutes later a nurse called from the corner of the room, "Um...this is a girl! Is that okay!?". Lol. We were so surprised! And so excited!

From the beginning she had bright and alert eyes!

   Finally after what seemed like hours (but was probably 15 minutes) I got to hold my beautiful Pj for the first time. She was perfect in every way. Believe it or not, after all of that, I right away looked at Mark and said that I could do it all over again. It truly was worth it! (Mark looked a little shell-shocked and I don't think he was quite up for a repeat of the challenge at that moment!).

Snuggles with her proud Grampa!

   My mom came to visit within an hour and held Pj while Mark and I slept (me for the first time in over 50 hours). When I woke up my mom was there but Pj wasn't! Her bloodwork had come back with an indication of infection, so she had been taken to the hospital's NICU. I was heartbroken but I think it was a God-thing! She was in such good hands in the NICU (the nurses loved her because she was sooo much larger than their normal 3lb babies) and I was able to spend the time sleeping and resting. She was in the nursery for 48 hours and we finally were able to go home and start family life on Monday afternoon - 5 days after the whole process started!

   Pj's birth story is one of incredible pain, crippling fear, disappointed expectations, and extreme joy. Until those days I did not know my body could withstand so much. I didn't know how strong I was. I also didn't know what love or joy were. Throughout those three days of labor, God was by my side. During the painful contractions I repeated to myself, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". And I found out that that was so very true. When I started to lose hope, He was there by my side. When I was fearful during that last hour, He sent me the beautiful sunrise to comfort and encourage me. When I was so exhausted from the ordeal and starting to stress about being a new Mom, He gave me rest by allowing Pj to receive excellent care in the nursery while I took two days to sleep and recover. When my labor became dangerous, He blessed us with medical care that saved the life of my baby and myself. Throughout these tough days I was brought low, control (which I love) was taken away from me and I felt scared. In that moment, God showed me that I can't do this on my own, but that He can. These days were the beginning of some new lessons for me - lessons of parenthood. I think God was saying, "You think labor and delivery are hard? Try being a parent. You need me for both of these things. And don't worry. I have got you and your child in my hands. Trust me. I will strengthen you for theses tasks". I have learned that He is true. He is good. He does have us in His hands.
 

Peyton now - or actually about four months ago. But I love this picture :). 

   Sorry for the very long post! Thanks for sharing in my story! Well, actually in Pj's story! I would love to hear other's birth stories - please post a link! :)

2.5 Years Old!

Our little 2.5 year old. Wearing a bee costume. :)

Dear Pj:

    Yesterday you turned two and a half. I thought that this milestone deserved some sort of commemoration - an update of some sort. During your first year I recognized each new month that you grew. During your second year I was at work and slightly overwhelmed with life - work, new baby, toddler....and unfortunately my blog writing, picture taking, and milestone journaling was all but non-existent. This year, your third year, I decided I would "do better". So, today on your 2.5 year birthday, I want to tell you a little bit about yourself.

Not always the easiest subject to photograph!

    You are spunky. You are always either running, or jumping, or dancing, or singing, or twirling. You like to say "mark, set, go" and run from one end of the house to the other - continually...always in a race with yourself. You enjoy setting up little obstacles around the living room to try to jump over. Sometimes, this obstacle happens to be your little brother. Mommy doesn't love it when you do this and puts a stop to it before it ever starts. I am pretty sure you are still quietly planning this as your grand finale! One of your favorite things to do during the evening blahs (while waiting for Daddy to come home for supper) is dance. I will put on some worship music and the two of us (and lately Big C has been trying to join in as well) will dance the blahs away! You enjoy learning (and teaching Mommy) new moves and love it when I "twirl" you. Another thing that you can be found doing throughout the day is singing. You either sing songs that you learned from Mommy or Daddy, and Sunday school or you make them up as you go. Lately this is a favorite way for you to fall asleep as well. We will sit downstairs listening to you sing away in bed! You love the feeling of "twirling" and do it quite often - getting so dizzy you often topple over. Sometimes, (most times) after getting dressed you like to take a twirl and exclaim, "Look Mommy! I a princess!!". 

   You are indeed a princess - but not because of the clothes you wear (although I do think that you are always dressed very nicely!). You are a princess because you have a HUGE heart. You love people (most days). You are friendly and like to say "hello" to the people we meet during our day. You have a very spontaneous and contagious smile and laugh. So many people stop Mommy and Daddy on a daily basis to compliment your smile. You look out for your family and are fiercely loyal (already!). You adore your little brother and shower him with hugs and kisses every day. You like to play with him and make sure that he is never without a multitude of toys. You love your Daddy and wait eagerly for him to come home every day. You greet him with the biggest hug and a ton of stories of your day. Your mommy is your cuddle-master. You enjoy a good morning cuddle, a mid-day cuddle, and an evening cuddle (with some other cuddles place sporadically throughout the day). All in all, its safe to say you are a very loving young lady. You already are exemplifying Christ's love in your daily interactions and this is a characteristic that we want to help you grow and cultivate! This is the biggest reason that you are a princess, because you are a daughter of the most Heavenly King! Our prayer is that you will continue to live in His love all the days of your life.

Nursing your babies with cousin Kiera!

   You are a little unsure of your own aged peers...you get nervous in big groups (the church nursery or parties) but after a while warm up and play nicely. You still enjoy playing on your own (mostly) and need a little "quiet time" each day to regroup and refresh. You are a great player. You like to play with your blocks (making trains and towers), cars on Big C's car mat, and puzzles. Probably one of your favorite things to play are with your babies. You have a couple of dolls that get fed, their diapers changed, and enjoy multiple walks in your doll stroller or doll carrier. Your imagination has really blossomed these last couple of months. You will regularly pretend to be a cat and crawl around on all fours while "mohwing". You have also been a monkey, a dog, and a dinosaur but your favorite is being a cat. I love watching your imagination grow and become more in-depth! You have also been enjoying the dress-up clothes that you received for Christmas. You often walk around in your little high heels, purses, and hats! So cute!

You are an excellent Big Sister to Big C!

   You have been doing really well with memorizing your Sunday School memory work. Your favorite text is "With God all things are possible" Matthew 19:26. In fact, you thought it was such a great text you wanted to share it with the world. As we were walking through Walmart you greeted each new customer with a hearty smile and an exuberant "With God all things are possible!". I was so proud of you - my little evangelizer! You also know quite a few praise songs and enjoy our daily evening sing-song. Some of your favorite songs are: "Holy, Holy, Holy", "Praise God", "Our God is so big", and "Create in Me". You also really like the song "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" and try to "sneak" that song into our evening devotions as well. 

See? Not the easiest to photograph!

   You are able to count to 20 (sometimes still forgetting 15 and 16), say your ABC's (although some of the letter names are a little mumbled), and know quite a few colors. You are using your counting to be able to figure out "how many?". You enjoy coloring and are getting neater and neater - really trying to keep in the lines. 

   You love going outside. Much to your dismay we had a lot of very cold days this past Winter where we were unable to brave the cold outdoors. Since its been nicer weather the last couple of days you have spent quite a bit of time outside in our little backyard. You are still attempting your tricycle. You can't quite get it to go forward but you are making progress. You also like to explore outside and love to show Mommy your little discoveries: leaves, stones, etc. 

One of the favourite parts of the day!! Bath Time!!!

   At your last appointment (one month ago) you weighed 29 pounds. You are approximately 3ft tall. You are growing well and, although food isn't your favorite, you are starting to eat better. Your favorite food is fruit. You also still enjoy a morning and evening bottle of milk. You won't drink milk out of a cup - only your bottle. You still enjoy cuddling on Mommy or Daddy's lap while you drink your bottle. Mommy is not quite ready to give up the bottle because she doesn't want to give up the cuddles :). 

This cuddle actually ended in you falling asleep! So special:).

   You are still not a very good sleeper. You head to bed between 7 and 8 but sometimes stay awake until 10pm. Mommy and Daddy aren't quite sure what to do with you! We have become stricter about you not coming out of bed and that seems to help...but you still stay up and play quietly (or not so quietly) in your bed with your bugs and bunny. We have attempted toilet training a couple of times. You have done some really good days...but typically the next day (after a good one) you refuse to go back into underwear and insist on a diaper. I am okay with letting you do this on our own time (as long as that's in the next couple of months!). You do not love wearing clothes! Often you choose to wear only a shirt and socks but refuse to wear pants. Its not a habit that we encourage but you seem to be the most comfortable this way! 

   These past 2.5 years have been the best that your Dad and I have ever known! You bring so much laughter to our lives! We love watching you grow and develop. We have so many prayers and wishes for you as your grow up but know that you are in God's hands. We entrust you to Him and know that He knows the plans He has for you! We pray that you will continue to show love to those around you, that you will always greet each day with the excitement that you do now, and that you will love the Lord your God with all your heart and soul. Keep being you, Kiddo!!! 

Love, Mommy and Daddy! 

Our sweet and special 2.5 year old!

Wreath Things.

   On Thursday the little boy that I babysit after school asked me, "You all done with that wreath thing, Vicki?". He's just the cutest! On Wednesday, while I was babysitting him, my sister and I were making our Spring wreaths and he was right in the middle. He seemed to really love the creative mess that was overtaking my dining area. He explored the different items and had strong opinions on what our wreaths should look like. I guess the DIY creativeness was as enjoyable for him as it was for me, because he was hoping to do it all over again that day!
   I made my first wreath this past December to try to dress up our ugly front door for the Holiday Season (since we never got around to putting up lights!). My two oldest sisters and I got together and tried our hand at making something festive and pretty! It was a great afternoon of fun and bonding with us girls (Kara, if you are reading this: we missed you!). Here's what I ended up with. I was pretty proud of it and I think it looked great on our front door. It looked so nice, in fact, that I only took it down this past week (months after Christmas decorations are appropriate!).

   For my spring wreath I followed a tutorial from the lovely lady at Frou Frou & Frills. She even has an easy-to-follow video tutorial if the written instructions and pictures are not making sense! I was a little intimidated when I first purchased the items and sat down to create - but it was actually so easy! The hardest part was deciding what to put on the wreath!! Anyways, I like the finished project and I am excited to have it on my door welcoming our new Spring weather (although I hear that snow is in the forecast! Boo!). While hanging my Spring wreath I did take note of just how ugly our front door is. Its going onto the top of Hubby's "To Do" list once the nice weather hits! ;)

   Well, that's all I've got in the way of "wreath things". Hope you enjoyed! And I would love to hear about your go-to Spring decor that helps to scare away the Winter and welcome the Spring!

Big C's Birth Story

 

   A popular "fad" that I have noticed in the blogging world is that of sharing your children's birth stories. At first I was a little "nervous" around these stories as I thought that perhaps it was sharing overly private information or information that was not entirely appropriate for most audiences. But, as I started reading some of these posts, I realized something: these posts are beautiful. There is not another word for it! These posts are from real Moms sharing some of the scariest, most painful, yet exciting moments of their lives. The moments that they became Moms. The moments that their hearts literally (I guess figuratively...but it feels like literally) broke and became a place of unconditional love for someone other than themselves.
   I have two babies. Two wonderful, amazing babies. I clearly remember the moment that I first saw their perfect faces. Those first seconds are ingrained in my brain. And I love that. I love that when I look at Big C, I can still recall the first moment that I laid my eyes on him. I hope that those feelings of pride, excitement, thankfulness and fear are never forgotten. Since I am feeling nostalgic and I worry that maybe one day I won't remember...I have decided to share my birth story of Big C. You can read about Pj's birth story here. You have been warned - if this is not your cup of tea: don't read further. Simple as that. But, if you want to read another Mom's story about strength and love, read on!
   Big C's pregnancy was a relatively easy pregnancy for me. Although I was nauseous for the first 30 weeks, I typically only threw up in the mornings and then was pretty good the rest of the day. Big C was an active baby and I loved feeling his little flutters (which turned into kicks and punches later on). I felt very connected to him - in a way that I was unable to feel with Pj (she had a posterior placenta and so I never really felt her move!). We had found out at my 20 week ultrasound that Big C was a boy and we had pretty much started referring to him as Big C right away. He took on a whole "being" this way. We would talk and pray about him using his name and I really liked the connection that this created.

The first picture we have of the little guy!

   I went into labour with Big C on his due date. His labour was different the Pj's in the fact that I didn't feel anything at first. I had had a busy day and didn't really realize that something was up until around supper time. At this point I realized that, not only was I not feeling anything in the way of contractions, I was also not feeling Big C move! I tried to remember back to the last time I had felt something and I couldn't remember feeling anything for the entire day. I started to get worried but Mark reminded me that everything was in God's hands and then he had me drink a couple of glasses of orange juice to see if the sugar would make Big C active. Mark had a meeting that night and since I was in denial about the signs (I was 13 days overdue with Pj) I sent him on his way promising to keep him updated. After an hour of not feeling anything, I was getting quite nervous and I paged my midwife. She talked to me for a couple of minutes and asked me questions and then suggested that I meet her at the Labour and Delivery Triage in the hospital in half an hour. I was getting very agitated and worried at this point and called Mark to tell him to come home. I'm surprised that he figured out what I was saying since I am pretty sure all I did on the phone was rotate between hyperventilating and crying. He rushed home to find me throwing the entire closet and all the bathroom drawers into a bag - I hadn't even started packing a hospital bag yet (oops! but, like I already mentioned, Pj was 13 days late!). He helped me finish packing, we left our screaming toddler with my brother-in-law (sorry Greg!), and we drove to the hospital. We prayed the entire way. I was so full of dread that I had lost my baby boy. I had been having feelings of anxiety and "doom" my entire pregnancy (supposedly its a whole thing that can happen from raging pregnancy hormones!) and I thought that this was just the answer to those feelings. When we reached triage we were greeted by Isabelle, my midwife. I loved her my entire pregnancy and I was so excited to see that she was the one greeting me in my time of fear. She quickly ushered me into a back room and used one of those little hand-held Doppler tools to check for a heart beat. Within seconds she had found a strong and steady heart beat. I don't know that I have ever heard such a beautiful sound as that heart beat at that moment. She gave me a big hug and told me that since it was my due date and since I was there, she wanted to hook me up to the stress machine just to see what was going on. I agreed and we moved over to the triage beds. She hooked me up, brought me some juice to drink, and we chatted for a bit while we waited for the initial readings to show up. After a couple of minutes (10? 20?) she looked at the chart and said to me, "did you know you are in labour?". Uhhh...wait, what? With Pj I had felt my first contraction and every.single.one.following. With Big C I was already having contractions every 7 minutes (that were showing pretty strong) and I was feeling great! She sent Mark and I out for a walk and told us to come back in 45 minutes to see if there had been any progression. We walked around the hospital parking lot excitedly talking about the prospect of meeting our little man in the next couple of days (I say days because Pj was a whole process that took 3 days!). By the end of our little walk I was definitely feeling the contractions and at some points was not able to walk through them but had to hold onto Mark and think about my breathing. When we got back to triage, I was checked and then I chatted with my midwife and the OB/GYN that was on staff that night. They were having a "slow" night and thought that they would admit me and break my water in order to get things progressing and so that I could be holding my baby sooner than later. I was so excited - and extremely terrified. We went through the admitting process and got all set up in one of the delivery rooms. This was around 11pm. At this point my contractions were 5 minutes apart or less and I was about 4.5cm dilated. Mark and I did some more walking and over the next 5 hours everything progressed quickly and normally. And then I stalled...at 7 cm and with contractions only 1 minute a part. I very quickly panicked. I felt like I had re-winded 1 and a half years and was hearing the same information I was told when I stalled with Pj - and she didn't show up for another 24 hours after that! I looked at Mark and we both had the same look in our eyes: there was no way we could do a repeat of Pj. I asked the midwife for an epidural. The contractions were long and hard now and I was picturing myself having to deal with them for a full day - I knew I didn't have that in me. She obliged and very quickly the anesthesiologist came and I got all hooked up. The relief was instant! I had received an epidural with Pj but it hadn't been as effective as the one I had with Big C. This time both Mark and I were able to grab an hour of sleep! I woke up at about 6:30am. The midwife checked me and we realized that Big C was hindering his own progress because of how he was positioned (with his arms above his head). Without going into any detail - my midwife took care of this and everything all of a sudden fell into place! I was ready to meet my baby. We quickly woke up Mark, called for the back-up midwife to come (she was sleeping in the Nurse's lounge), and started the whole pushing process. I was so scared. I kept having flashbacks of Pj's delivery and I couldn't control my shaking and breathing. In fact after about 20 minutes I had a full out panic attack! I had to have an oxygen mask and my midwife sat down beside me and calmly talked me through my fears. She also explained to me that Big C's levels where spiking and that he needed to come out sooner than later. I promised her I could try again (at first I was adamant that I was done and this was not going to happen...rationality is not my strongest trait when I'm afraid). We started the process again. At this point the second midwife finally appeared; later she joked that she almost missed the whole thing because less than 10 minutes later Big C had made his arrival and was being placed on my chest. He was beautiful with his soft round face and his chubby little limbs. It was love at first sight.
 

   When he was placed on me he didn't move or make a noise. I noticed right away and kept asking the midwives, "whats wrong? why is he so quiet?". They rubbed him for a couple of seconds and then rushed him to the corner where they started using machines on him. They then called a "code pink". Mark and I just sat on the bed starting at our little boy on the table while people poured into our room. Each person had a job and they worked really well together. That said, I was terrified. It felt like hours passed. Later we found out that it was only about 5 minutes in total from the time he was taken to the table to the time that everyone was out of the room and Big C was back in our arms. He hadn't started breathing on his own and so he had to be resuscitated. As soon as he had the first breathe he was good and started to do it all on his own! He's a quick learner, our little guy! After that scare, he was safely in our arms and we got to more thoroughly inspect him. He was beautiful  handsome! He was a small baby by Lodder standards - only 8lbs 3.7ounces and 21 inches tall.

Father and Son!

   My delivery (although scary!) was wonderful. The midwives were so kind and calm. The lights in my delivery room stayed dimmed, the room was quiet, and I was allowed to move about (until the epidural) and do my own thing. During the delivery, my midwife stayed calm, didn't use any scary tools, and just quietly talked me through. I felt comfortable (as much as I could!) and I felt safe. Although it is a scary experience, I look back at Big C's arrival with a lot of fondness. I can even say that I would do it again...if I could make sure that it was a similar experience to Big C's. Mark was an amazing support. He stayed with me and rotated between joking with me, praying with me, and encouraging me.

Such squishy goodness!

   In total the whole process took about 8 hours. Big C joined our family on June 17th at 7:19am. Since that first moment we have been totally smitten with him. I was worried, before his arrival, that I wouldn't love him as much as Pj. But its true what they say, your love isn't divided, it grows! I have such a full heart - so much love for my babies, both of them. I couldn't imagine life without Big C...and that started the moment I laid eyes on him. He is such an integral part of this family. We are so excited to see where his life journey takes him.

I love how cuddly and little he looks!

   I can't share such an important story in my life without throwing some "Jesus" into it. This whole thing...this miracle of life. Its a "God-thing". How amazing that we have a God who created our lives this way - to grow and love little humans! When I think of the love I have for my children, even when they cry all night or hang off of my neck (yes, Pj is hanging off of my neck), I love them. How much more does our All-Amazing, Awesome, Perfect God love us, even when we fall short? Not only that, but in His eyes we don't fall short. Because His love was so unconditional that He sacrificed his son to pay for our sins and allow us to be called His son's and daughters. God knows us, every intimate detail of us. And He still loves us. Praise Him for that!

   Oh! And remember how initially they admitted me because it was a slow night?! Well things picked up over night and by the time Big C was born there had been 12 other babies born that night! :) He was 1 of 2 boys!

9 Months Old

   So Big C is 9 months old! I can't believe it! He is growing so fast. So fast, in fact, that I didn't even have time to take a monthly picture when he turned 8 months old :(. Mommy guilt right there! So this month I made sure to take a 9 month picture right away and am even going one step further by writing his update today as well! 

Big C at 9 months:
- He has 6 teeth (all 6 actually showed up between months 7-8....no more since then!)
- He is a very speedy crawler! 
- This past weekend he learned how to pull himself up and now enjoys viewing the world from this taller vantage point (he seriously pulls himself up onto everything already!) 
- He still hasn't had his 6 month needles because each time we have brought him in to the Dr.'s office he has either had the flu or a cold. Hopefully we will get this done tomorrow since there are cases of Whooping Cough in our area (and that's the vaccine that he needs).
- He is a drooler...like we are talking the Niagara Falls here! 
- He is a biter...last week he took a chunk out of my shoulder...OUCH! Has anyone else had this problem with their little one? How do you teach him (at 9 months) to stop? He doesn't do it maliciously...he is just exploring and using his new teeth. 
- He is a mommy's boy - he seriously will just sit and cuddle with me at anytime! This is such a treat for me because Pj was not a cuddler at this age. 
- He has a very cute chuckle/giggle that he uses regularly...it makes his whole body shake and tremble. 
- He is very ticklish! 
- He is very smiley! No matter where we are people stop to smile and chat to him and they always comment on how cute his smile is.
- He loves his sister and is loved by her (although she doesn't love having him interrupt her playtime now that he can crawl)
- He typically sleeps through the night (12 hours - 7:30pm to 7:30am). He is such a good napper and either has an hour morning nap and a 2 or 3 hour afternoon nap or has only one afternoon nap for 3 or 4 hours.
- He is very inquisitive and loves to explore and get into things (all the things).
- We are working on him recognizing the word "no"..and in the past couple of days he seems to be starting to understand and will leave something alone if we say "no" to him! 
- He plays very well and spends about 1 hour in the playpen each day playing on his own (now if only Pj would play quietly on her own at the same time!).
- He is eating better now: he still nurses about 4 or 5 times a day, but is eating two full meals of pureed food/mum mums/little pieces of cut up food. He loves fruit. He makes very funny faces whenever he tries something for the first time. 
- He knows how to cry to get Momma's attention but will stop as soon as I pick him up ( how does he know how to do that already?!!)
- He is the perfect addition to our little family.
- He gives the best cuddles. He'll wrap his little arms around your neck and lay his head on your shoulder... its so sweet.

Big C standing in his playpen! We were so excited! (That's Pj's excited face!).

   We love our little Big C. He is such a fun, happy, sweet baby boy. I can't believe how quickly he is growing up. Already I have started thinking about his first birthday. I think I'll cry (lol). I love my kiddos but I do feel like they aren't little for a long enough time!

For The Love...

  

   I have sat here staring at this screen on and off for the past couple of days. I have wanted to talk about all the feels I was feeling in regards to this great news...but didn't know how to express myself. Last week I was one of the 500 out of 5000 applicants chosen to be a part of Jen Hatmaker's launch team for her new book For the Love: Fighting for Grace in a World of Impossible Standards. This is such an incredible opportunity! I am so humbled and at the same time overwhelmed. Humbled because I was chosen - there were so many amazing people that applied! Overwhelmed because this is a huge honor and a very exciting opportunity: to read a great book before it is available for purchase, to meet a huge amount of great people (500 to be exact), to be involved in something that extends outside of my four walls (being on maternity leave during this past cold winter has given me a bit of a case of cabin fever), and to be a small part of bringing this great message to people everywhere who need to hear it.  

   I was very nervous to apply - the age old fears crowded my thoughts. What if I was rejected? What if I was accepted but wasn't able to do all that was required? But, I've been working on these self-deprecating thoughts and I put them aside long enough to write out the application form and press "submit". 

   I am very excited to read the book (I haven't had time to read it yet!) because I think that it speaks to the very things I am struggling with now in my life. Probably what most women struggle with! I am continually comparing myself to the world around me - the other moms I see at the park or store, the friends I have on facebook or instagram who always seem to have it "all together", my family members, and the list could go on. I see how everyone else seems to be functioning and I feel like I am falling so.very.short. I know that often these comparisons are in my head and not actually being projected from the people around me, but they are still very prevalent in my mind.  I struggle with not allowing these thoughts to overwhelm me. Sometimes they take hold and I can't seem to fight my way out of my darkness. At these times I need grace. God's grace. From her blog I know that Jen has such a down-to-earth approach to life. She is true to herself and allows herself to be this way because she finds her identity in Christ. I am slowly learning this truth...finding my identity in Christ is so much more important than comparing myself to those around me. I am so excited to read Jen's book because I still have so much to learn!

   Anyways I just wanted to share my exciting news. I was hoping to hold out until the hard copy came before I started reading but now that some of my new friends on our launch page are sharing quotes I am getting more and more anxious to start reading. I might just have to pull out the ipad and read the digital copy sooner than later! Stay tuned for a review of the book to come closer to the book's launch date in August. Also, I'll be posting more information about the book and helping with advertising its launch throughout the next couple of months! If you are already interested in this book you can pre-order it here on Amazon for $15!! Happy reading to me! And hopefully to you too in August! 

Sometimes the Answer is "No"!

   

   This week God spoke to me. Not in the same way that you or I would speak...but I know that He has answered my prayer. Also, He answered my prayer with a "no" and, once again, He knows best. I received some disappointing news early this week. I had been hoping for something very much, and, without any discussion or an explanation, I was told "no". At first I felt like I was crashing. I had really wanted this particular thing! I thought it would be the best for my family! Certainly this was a mistake...God must have forgotten to put in for this request of mine to be answered in the positive. As I was on the verge of doing my same-old-same-old: spiraling downwards in emotions and blaming God...I felt myself being reminded of the words I had written and felt at the start of the week: Jesus, thank you. So I stopped. In the silence of my bedroom at 2 in the morning, while my house slept, I prayed: "Thank you for this answer. Show me why it was my answer. Let me see you in this too.". And then I slept. In the morning I sat down, reviewed my options and felt peace. In those short hours God allowed me to see that this was best. His "no" meant less stress and more time at home with my kiddos. His "no" meant I could be the best me without having to compromise or feel like I was "failing" in one or more areas of life. His "no" said to me "I know what is best, trust me.". Now, I am so excited for this next chapter of life. Not going to lie, I am still nervous and apprehensive, but I know that God's got this! Its so exciting being able to see Him in my life and knowing that no matter what: I can trust in the one who answers prayers. 

     

Jesus, Thank you.

   Today was a good day. A very good day. Oh, what a day!
   I am at a loss for words! Not a very good thing if you are trying to write a blog post, I assure you! I guess I'll just dump my thoughts out and see what happens. Sorry in advance if this post is less than coherent! You have been warned.
   I guess it started with our sermon this morning. It was on 1 Timothy 3:8-13. This text is on the role of Deacons in our church communities. Once again God was able to work through our Pastor to bring these verses to life for me (and my fellow listeners, I hope!). In the midst of his sermon discussing the hearts that we, as Christ Followers, should have, Pastor Steve reached this verse: "They must keep hold of the deep truths of the faith with a clear conscience." 1 Timothy 3:9. At this point Steve went on a bit of a side bar exclaiming the greatness of the "deep truths of the faith". God spoke to me, to us. We were reminded of the awesomeness of having someone who loves us so much that they were willing to participate in the Great Exchange - the taking on and paying for our sin in order to grant us freedom from that sin and, therefore, salvation! We are loved. So loved. So. Very. Loved. There are no words to explain or truly portray what this means. All I know is that all day I have been giddy. I have just wanted to talk about it. Now, here I am, my family is all in bed...and I am on the couch sitting in awe of who my God is. Of what He has done. The awe really gets overwhelming when I realize that what He has done...was done for Me. For Us! Salvation...even though I am the worst of sinners. Salvation...even though I will never earn it. Salvation...even though I don't deserve it. Salvation...because Christ has chosen me and said, "She is mine. I have died for her.". Salvation. Love. Freedom.
   Amazing.
   Awe-inspiring.
   Overwhelming.
   And yet....so very, very, very TRUE.
   I think I have figured out what I want to say (finally!). This, this, is what I want, no, what I need to say:

Jesus, Thank you.

   We finished off our service singing this song. It has been playing in my head, my heart, all day. Take a listen :). I hope that you can join me in saying, "Jesus, Thank you.". 

"Jesus, Thank You" By Sovereign Grace Music

   Goodnight! xoxo